We got something for everybody. You can like and hate any music-making assholes you choose.
(Don’t fucking argue with me, I married one and did dozens more, they’re artists, and every artist of any merit has to be capable of being an asshole to some extent.)
But only the greats get to be anthems.
Only the best of the best.
Feel free to disagree if you want, I don’t care if you’re wrong.
Hey, these short paragraphs DO make it feel like a blog!
I’m not sure I like it. I can set my own fuckin rhythm, bitches. Fuck your expectations, get used to it! Smutpunk does whatever the fuck it wants and if you don’t know how that feels, I pity you. And I will probably despise your ‘art’ and your ‘work’ and your ‘existence.’ Just a heads-up! Don’t worry about it. You don’t have to. Seriously. No, the truth is, I love all of you, because I’m a metalhead and a hippie and a punk and a pornographer and a vulgarian and an addict and a complete seducer of the innocent.
And I’ve always loved a deflowering a virgin lad. Potential is delicious!
(See? I can still throw ‘the rules’ a bone. Short paragraphs. It’s all my call.)
Of legal age, of course, depending upon whatever the authorities have decided that may be. Weird how that varies even though it seems to me that it’s totally obvious by spending five minutes with someone, if you’re not deranged. How about we use our fuckin’ heads, apes, ok? Why are we forbidden from discussing this or thinking about it? Do ‘most’ people abuse the system? Would ‘most’ people have inappropriate interest in the truly underaged?
But music! Yeah. Not necessarily songs individually, but these are the smutpunkiest examples of artists I consider Smutpunk. There’s no ranking that really matters and on a different day this list would have entirely different people.
That’s how smutpunk works, my loves.
10. TIED! Simon & Garfunkel and The Ramones
Here’s one for ya. You don’t think this is very punk, do you? Well, you missed the forest for the trees, kids. Rethink these two, and show respect for their mastery of bringing revolution from within.
If you think these guys aren’t good, you can think that, and you’re wrong, but I can’t prove it.
But if you think these guys aren’t talented and smart, you’re objectively wrong. I’m sure they can prove that somehow.
And if you know jack shit about any punk anything, these guys and this song need no explanation or introduction.
9. Steve Vai TIED! with Joe Satriani
A true virtuoso and a Zappa disciple, and Zappa is a Smutpunk archetype. They are kinda lower on the list because so much of their music doesn’t explicitly say their points as play them.
Why the fuck did I commit to 10 of these things? Why not 5?
8. Pantera TIED! with Megadeth
Walk on home, boy! Lots of Pantera in my smutpunk!
What about 3? I could be done right now. You can’t see the edit, but trust me, I could just finish up number 9 and cut out everything else and just renumber them 3, 2, 1. Bingo.
Nah. Wouldn’t work. Why bother? I’m changing it to 3. And now for the NUMBER ONE (of three) Smutpunk Anthems I’m going to write about tonight! Which is actually your choice of three, or whichever tunes hit you the most smutpunky.
Wait. Am I really gonna half-ass this? Nevah!
7. ZZ Top TIED! with BEASTIE BOYS
If ZZ Top doesn’t make you want to party, shake your ass, and fuck, then there’s no hope for you I’m afraid. Best blues-boogie-rock there is.
And Beastie Boys? This is an anthem of everything good.
6. Peter Gabriel TIED! with David Bowie
Mr. Callie Press, my hub (a true Renaissance man), turned me on to Peter Gabriel’s genius long ago, and it is a deep part of me now. Enjoy this one: the most caustic, sarcastic tune of the last three decades. And if you’re not clever enough to see the satire, then enjoy it on the surface with no depth because it’s a groovy funky tune, and you just keep shooting for that Big Time.
He also has the all-time best ‘Fuck you, I quit’ anthem, right here. This may be one of my most personally touching, autobiographical smutpunk anthems. If you want to understand me, you have to understand this song:
And everybody knows Bowie’s genius.
5. Prince. Nobody can quite equal Prince. TIED! Except the Mighty Zep!
All must acknowledge the brilliance of the Purple one. Rest well, sexy!
Where Prince was a complete one-man package, Zep was a complete collection of one-man packages, so far ahead of their time we’re still playing catch-up.
4. Iron Fucking Maiden TIED! with Judas Fucking Priest
Listen to Bruce (is he sex in tube socks or what?) ‘Nuff said.
And the Metal Gods!
3. Stevie Nicks TIED! with James Brown
Gorgeous, sexy, free-willed, possessed by her art. Her voice isn’t beautiful, it’s real, iconic, necessary. She built the throne for me. After this go watch her do Rhiannon live with Fleetwood Mac and watch her in her element, channeling eternity through her perfect mouth. How can anyone not love Stevie? I’m fiercely straight, but she’s an elemental avatar of lust.
No, you know what, I’m gonna shove it down your throat. Behold a real band doing a real performance of a real song. Some of you kids may never have experienced such a thing yet. Get back to it! The whole existence of Callie Press is a piece of performance art and it starts with transcendent gigs like this. She goes off-script just by being in the moment. Live that way!
And the funkiest man to ever live, the Godfather of Soul, the hardest working man in showbiz. Never forget the value of hard work where smutpunk is concerned. This shit doesn’t happen on accident (except when it does). If you want to be great, you have to put in the work. That’s one reason James Brown was the best at being James Brown, which made him the best at so many other things.
2. Robert Johnson TIED! with Every One-Hit Wonder
Nothing musically modern would exist if he hadn’t sold his soul to the Devil for his art.
That’s a lie, but what a smutpunk story! And being the greatest blues master of all time is a pretty good addition to the old CV.
One hit wonders? Help yourself kids! Here’s my favorite.
Thomas Dolby-She Blinded Me With Science by adiis
Number 1: TIE!
Parliament, Funkadelic, Parliament Funkadelic, P-Funk, and so on, tied with…
The George Carlin of music, Frank Zappa, who is also tied with…
The Pink Floyd of music, Pink Floyd, who is also tied with…
YOUR LOCAL BANDS!
These are some of the smutpunk tracks we debate the importance of. George Clinton. Eddie Hazel. Bootsy. Legends in any lineup! And a lineup that makes legends out of everyone. Close to purely distilled smutpunk. They did what they wanted and it was always real, brilliant, subversive, transgressive, and original.
And as stated, a tie. You can almost pick any Zappa tune. Here are a couple of my favorites for the smutpunk attitude:
With Pink Floyd you can do no wrong. They are the perfect mix of wall-to-wall genius musicians with a great drummer. But I dig the more esoteric and obscure, so observe:
And let’s end it with this perfect smutpunk anthem!
And as for your local bands? Look into them. Support them. Buy their cd’s and shirts, go to their shows, spread the word. This is how good stuff happens.
They’ve got something to sa-aaay.
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